So drunk its hurt
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
