So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
