oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
