I wish I could teleport
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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