Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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