I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
my phone needs a breathalizer
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
