he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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