If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
