ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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