I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
