The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
