I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
