Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
