Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
