i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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