U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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