You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
