I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
