i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
