this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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