i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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