My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
