I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
