At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
