I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
