i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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