you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
