Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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