I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
