Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
