Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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