i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
