textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
