I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
