Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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