I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
