swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
