Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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