dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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