I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
