He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
