nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
