There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Green mimosas i think yes
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
