A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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