@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
