You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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