Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm like, not good at living.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
