She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
