I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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