Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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