after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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