my phone needs a breathalizer
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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