Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
